A New Kind of Education
by Professor Farfie
Summary: Professor Snape is given the job of teaching the new class presented in Hogwarts. (One-Shot, Rated PG13 due to nature of new class)


Author Notes - I would like to thank restrictedsection.org for all of my late night readings of juicy slash that let me to think of this story idea. if your of age, i highly suggest you go there. becuase, well, who doesn't want a little bit of hp nookie?   
  
Disclaimer - Not to worry people, I'm just borrowing these characters. There is no way I'd put my own in this type of torture.  
  
Warnings - Rated R for sex. not sex as in 'hermione gasped softly as his long, elegant fingers slid down her stomach.' this is Sex Ed people! You will learn lots of things! YES YOU WILL!!! MUWAHAHAHAHAH!!! actually, you wont. this isn't really health advice, if you want to know about sex go ask your daddy/mommy for the birds and the bees story (or the bees and the bees! ^.~).  
  
A New Kind of Education  
  
-aka the wonderful torture of snape-  
  
It wasn't that Severus Snape was completely devoid of any knowledge the particular topic that Albus Dumbledore had raised in that year's first staff meeting. No, that wasn't way he had spit his coffee four feet across the room, most of it splattering across the agitated face of Minerva McGonogall. The reason he reacted with such a reaction was because Dumbledore had directed the topic towards him. In fact he said, and I quote, "I think this will be a perfect opputurnity for you, Severus!"  
  
Snape was not humored in the slightest, though it seemed the rest of the professors saw it as the most hilarious thing to happen since the time they had caught Gilderoy Lockhart naked, smashed, and sublimely pleasured beyond believe in the Owlery. Mail didn't run for a week after that incident. Snape quickly shook the vision out of his head. Now was not the time to be thinking of such things. No, he had a class to plan. A class that he feared with all his heart.   
  
"You keep requesting for the position of DADA teacher, Severus. And although I can not give you that position, I would like to offer you another, along with yours of Potions teacher of course. I believe you would be wonderful for the job. I have the highest expectations that I know you will exceed."  
  
Yes, Dumbledore knew how to craft his words. He had gotten Snape to say yes before he even knew what the hell he was signing up for. Damn the twinkling old man!  
  
Snape currently sat in his dungeon quaters, staring intensely into the fire. It was less than an hour before the start of the term feast and Sorting. Snape dreaded going up there, knowing Dumbledore was going to announce their new class to the world. Snape silently cursed teenagers and their hormones. Why in the hell did those brats have to run around the school getting caught like this? Then maybe he wouldn't have to be teaching them about their own responsibility.  
  
When Dumbledore had annunced the new class, the Great Hall had erupted in giggles. Mainly from the girls, the boys on the other hand snorted and immediately began boasting their knowledge on the subject. Snape glared at them all, but tried to look as though this had nothing to do with him. For some reason, Dumbledore hadn't told who was teaching the said class. Snape was very glad for this. He had the element of suprise for his students. Not that he was looking forward to it, mind you, but the thought of torturing them a bit more than with potions was rather deliteful.  
  
It would of been more so if the other teaches weren't teasing him ruthlessly. McGonogal kept smirking and giving him side long glances. She even had the nerve to ask him if he needed to borrow some muggle book called Kama Sutra. Snape was not that stupid. He had seen that book before. It is, dreadfully, in the Restricted Section of the library. Whoever thought that was a good place for it needs severe therapy. This is a school for crying out loud!  
  
And so the day came. Snape burst through the door just like he did in his own classroom, all in an attempt to scare the creatins inside to death. It worked, Neville Longbottom immediately fell to the floor unconcious. Snape held back an triumphant grin as he strode to the front of the room. It was terribly bright. Curses to the twinlking man who insisted this... class be taught outside of Snape's comfortable dungeons. Alas, Snape never got what he wanted.  
  
He turned in a mass of billowing robes (considering that's what his robes were specially made for, cost Snape an extra 12 galleons!) and stared at the group of students. Of course. Slytherin and Gryffindor. Dumbledore, once again, joyed in the torture of his Potions Master. Snape took a good look at his students. Potter and Weasley stared, eyes wide, in total horror. Malfoy was slowly gathering a smirk, obviously thinking he would now pass this class with flying colors. He wished.  
  
"Welcome to..." Snape paused and took a deep breath, "Sex Education."  
  
A snigger ran through the class. Snape glared and cursed his luck mentally. Standing tall and straightening his robes, he turned to the board and flicked his wand. A diagram of the male anatomy popped up. All the girls in the room giggled and blushed. Snape cleared his throat and leaned forward, resting his hands on his desk.  
  
"The male reproductive system consists of-" Snape glared at the protruding hand in the air. "Yes, Mr. Finnigan?"  
  
"I thought this was about sex, not what a cock looks like." He said bluntly. Snape closed his eyes as giggles yet again soared through the room.  
  
"It is important for you to know the components of the reproductive system of each gender, so you can understand how sex works." Snape said smoothly. He annoyingly noticed Granger nodding in agreement with him. "Now if you'll let me continue... What, Mr. Finnigan?"  
  
"I was wondering, what exactly are we going to be covering in this course?" He paused long enough to break into a wicked grin before subduing it. "Will there be... demonstrations, perhaps?"  
  
"Oh dear Merlin." Snape muttered, finally sitting down at his desk. He took a bit of time to collect himself, trying not to scream at the boy. He had to prove that he could do this. Everyone bloody well thought he would fail. That was not happening anytime soon.  
  
"I would appreciate it if you didn't open your mouth anymore, Mr. Finnigan, for it seems only idiocy can come from it." Snape told the boy. "Now, on with this lesson... What is it, Mr. Finnigan?!"  
  
"I was just curious," The boy asked, his Irish accent in full throtle. "What are your qualifications?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Do you have any experience? It would be nice to learn from someone who has first-hand knowledge." Everyone stared at Snape, waiting for him to explode and curse Finnigan into oblivion. Snape heard Thomas faintly tell Finnigan good-bye.   
  
"I can assure you," Snape said through gritted teeth, "That I have enough knowledge and experience in this feild to take part in this discussion. Now, do shut up, Mr. Finnigan." There was a pause. "Oh, and a side note: 100 points from Gryffindor."  
  
The Gryffindor side of the room groaned pathetically. Snape took a moment to smile in his head at the lovely sound before speaking in his 'teaching voice'. "The male reproductive system consists of...."  
  
Snape continued his speech, speaking on the prostrate and testes and other lovely male things. The girls in the class sat there with wide eyes, watching the moving diagram on the board. The boys all snickered to each other as the diagram took the oppurtunity to show an example of ejaculation. When the diagram finally switched to the female reproductive system, all the girls let out a sigh at being in normal territory. The boy shifted uncomfortably in their seats. And as Snape described the process of the menstrual cycle, Weasely and Potter looked over at Granger with new found respect.  
  
The class continued much like that, Snape describing the act of sex and the contraceptive charms. As his speech came to an end, he sat in silence looking at the students. They glanced at one another, then much to Snape's sadness, Finnigan raised his hand.  
  
"Yes, Mr. Finnigan?" Snape asked, growling slightly at the Irish boy.  
  
"I was wondering if you were going to discuss homosexual interaction?" The class erupted in giggles and Snape glared at them all into silence.  
  
"Anything particular you have in mind, Mr. Finnigan?" Snape asked, hoping to bring the boy into silence. The Gryffindor gathered a thoughtful expression before replying.  
  
"What is the best way to go about lubrication?"  
  
"The Lubricatus Charm is most common amongst gay wizards." Snape said, smirking slightly as Thomas grinned and winked at Finnigan. Finnigan blushed and smiled back at him softly. Snape rolled his eyes. "Anything else?"  
  
"Does size really matter?" The first girl's voice piped up. The rest of the class giggled and Parkinson chose to answer instead of Snape.  
  
"Of course it does, you stupid Gryffindor!" The Slytherin and Gryffindor glared at each other.  
  
"On the contrary, Ms. Parkinson." Snape intervened. "Size does not matter." Snape hide his amusement as a few guys sighed in relief. "Ms. Patil you will be happy to know that any size works. In fact, it's prefered for it to not be too big, for it can injure the vagina... or rectum for your gay wizards." Snape looked pointedly at Thomas and Finnigan, who had the decenty to blush again.  
  
"Professor?" Granger raised her hand. Snape tried not to sigh in relief. Even though she was a Gryffindor, Snape knew she would ask an intelligent question. "What about sexual diseases?"  
  
"Thankfully, STDs seem to only be a muggle problem." Snape replied. "It has yet to be determined as to why this is, but most mediwizards have come to the conclusion that a wizards participation in potion testing and healing charms has prevented any ailments from arrising."  
  
"What about positions? Any suggestions, Professor?" A drawled voice asked. Snape closed his eyes before focusing on Malfoy, who smirked at him.  
  
"Sadly, the best poswitional reference for sexual activity is a muggle book, Malfoy." Snape said, sneering slightly. "I doubt many of you would want to look into it."  
  
"Sir?" Granger's hand flew up again. "I've always wondered, by is it the book you speak of listed in the REstricted Section?"  
  
"That, Ms. Granger, is a question I've asked repeatedly of Madame Pince." He sighed. "It seems the book has been in our library since it was written and no one can figure out how it got there."  
  
"Professor Snape? May I have permission to the Restricted Section?" Malfoy had the nerve to ask. Snape shot him a look.  
  
The bell rang and Severus Snape watched the class disapear, thankful of the now silence. He stood and began gathering his folders when Seamus Finnigan's head popped in. "Professor? Will you be having visual examples next class?"  
  
Snape growled, Finnigan yipped, and the Irish boy ran off down the hall. Snape took a deep breath and once again cursed Albus Dumbledore for torturing his Potions Master.  
  
End Notes - I'm so sorry about this. lol. i really should leave poor Sev alone... alas, i can't. 


End file.
